By DAVE BARRY — McClatchy Newspapers
“The Olympic Games.” Without question, these are the three most exciting words in all of sports, except for “nude Jell-O wrestling.” And that is why, for the next two weeks, millions of Americans will tune in to NBC to watch the greatest athletes from every part of the globe, except those parts of the globe that are located outside of the United States, because NBC’s longstanding Olympic policy is to avoid, at all costs, exposing its viewers to foreign athletes.  This year the Olympics are being held in London, which is in a festive mood, having just held a “jubilee” to celebrate the Queen’s 350th birthday. The city has spent $15 billion on preparations for the Olympics, including $5.8 billion for the world’s largest umbrella, the “Jumbo-rella,” which, in the event of rain, will automatically pop up and unfurl to cover the entire greater London metropolitan area, encompassing 2,158,597 hectares (one hectare = 17 liters). Because of unanticipated construction delays, the Jumbo-rella will not be field-tested until 3 a.m. on the day of the Olympic opening ceremonies; as a precaution, London authorities are recommending that, during the test, all residents temporarily relocate to “a safe area, such as Wales.”

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