By Joel Stein It’s likely that i’m an awful athlete because of genetics, laziness and a complete lack of interest in athletics. But it’s also possible that I’ve just never found my sport. For all I know, I might be a natural at luge, buzkashi or any of the sports involving balls. So I decided to go to the Olympic training center in Chula Vista, Calif., to give pole-vaulting a shot. It looked like it might not require too much skill, assuming the pole has batteries and works like other carnival rides.Having neither a pole nor anything to vault over, I persuaded Brad Walker, a star of the U.S. team, to train me. Brad, 31, holds the U.S. record and made the fourth highest outdoor vault ever in the world, at 6.04m (604 cm). I met him at the center of a track where nearly naked, superhot women from some Nordic country ran sprints and even better-looking, nearly nakeder guys and women chatted as they stretched.
TO WATCH JOEL VAULT, GO TO time.com/polevault
They looked like the kind of beautiful, active people who, if commercials are at all accurate, have herpes.Brad started our training by asking a string of questions to determine if this was indeed the sport for me: Have you ever jumped out of an airplane? Do you have a motorcycle? Do you get a lot of speeding tickets? What I was learning is that one important attribute of a pole vaulter is that he enjoys emasculating other men. After looking me over, he said, “We’re going to have our work cut out for us.” I mumbled something about how if driving a Ferrari is overcompensating, I can’t imagine how small your penis must be if you need to run in front of crowds holding a giant pole. Continue reading →
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